Mark E. Smith is a 38 year-old with cerebral palsy. He is the author of several books and founding editor of WheelchairJunkie.com. On his website he maintains a blog entitled PowerchairDiaries. He is also manager of Pride Mobility Products, a wheelchair manufacturer. Thank you to Debbie for informing me of Mark's blog and his incredible story.
Ian Pearl, a Huffington Post blogger with Muscular Dystrophy has made the headlines recently in his fight against his health insurance company, Guardian. But it is not just a fight with his insurance company, it is a fight for his life! I am rooting for you, Ian! (A full post on this coming soon.)
Nancy Mairs has written several books and essays, the majority of which are devoted to what life is like with Multiple Sclerosis.
Shiloh Pepin, more famously known as "mermaid girl" was born with Sirenomelia or mermaid syndrome. Sadly, she died Friday, October 23rd at the age of 10 do to complications from pneumonia. May you rest in peace, Shiloh.
Run, Forrest, run!
I want my own "Run, Forrest, run" moment.
Sometimes I wish I could just purposely throw my crutches to the ground and then go into a full out run! No crutches, just my shoes hitting the pavement while I continue on, upright at full speed as the wind pulls my hair away from my face. I daydream of this freedom every once in a while.
Sometimes I wish I could just run likeas my sister does as an athlete on her college soccer team (with her very own scholarship). Or even just be able to run long distances as I see people jogging all the time. My mode of running of course is best when done on an elliptical machine, and that isn't even running at all.
Some might call this self-pity; others would call it being human, wanting that which we cannot have.
I am only human, after all.
And like all people, I have dreams. Some just have greater possibilites than others at becomming reality. I admit this dream is more like a fantasy, something that will never come true. From time to time, I become hyper-aware of my CP and wish to abandon it if only for a short time to feel what it's like to be "normal" in the realm of physical functioning, something which Forrest was able to achieve.
Sometimes I wish I could just purposely throw my crutches to the ground and then go into a full out run! No crutches, just my shoes hitting the pavement while I continue on, upright at full speed as the wind pulls my hair away from my face. I daydream of this freedom every once in a while.
Sometimes I wish I could just run like
Some might call this self-pity; others would call it being human, wanting that which we cannot have.
I am only human, after all.
And like all people, I have dreams. Some just have greater possibilites than others at becomming reality. I admit this dream is more like a fantasy, something that will never come true. From time to time, I become hyper-aware of my CP and wish to abandon it if only for a short time to feel what it's like to be "normal" in the realm of physical functioning, something which Forrest was able to achieve.
Walking and rolling?
Today I went to see a new doctor, a physiatrist.
My orthopedic surgeon referred me to him. His specialty translates into helping people with disabilities gain the greatest level of mobility.
The main reason I went to him was to discuss whether a wheelchair might be appropriate for part-time use. It is true that I am mobile on my crutches and get around quite well. I will admit, though, that winters are difficult, mostly on my joints and my body as a whole. The doctor explained to me that when I use crutches to walk, it is almost like bench-pressing all the time because I am supporting my entire body weight on two very thin metal sticks.
I was very anxious coming to the appointment, and feeling a little ridiculous too. I felt torn, and still do about whether or not a wheelchair would really improve my quality of life. When using crutches, I can separate them from myself. They are in a way more detachable than a wheelchair. It is easier for others to see me separately form my equipment when I use crutches. I have a sense that when I start using a wheelchair even part-time, it will be harder for people to see me for me, and not the equipment first.
There was one positive to this visit. I liked the doctor very much, something that cannot be said for my orthopedic surgeon who I have been seeing since I was two years old. First, his attending came in and started talking to my mother as if I was not there. She corrected him within seconds and then I was allowed to speak for myself. Aside from his initial faux pas, the attending wasn't that bad.
He actually asked me questions, for one, and wrote them down instead of using the Dictaphone and talking about me in third person without acknowledging me as my orthopedic surgeon does. His bedside manner is completely ridiculous and nonexistent. Good thing he's a lot better with a scalpel! I have the scars to prove it.
The physiatrist was much better in his bedside manner because he actually acknowledged me and my concerns head-on.
I've heard about Botox being used to help those who have CP before but never in relation to myself. I never thought to myself. Hmmm, I should try that.
The same is true for medications that would help relieve spasticity and muscle tension associated with cerebral palsy. I've never thought of taking medication, nor did I know that you could take medication to treat something like CP. This notion is foreign to me. Even now that it's available, I think to myself, Why would I start taking something now, I've lived without medication for 21 years why do I need it now? I'm trying to wrap my head around all of this. I really don't like medication and only take it when necessary. Aside from that, it makes you drowsy, which isn't really conducive to being a college student.
So I've opted out of medication for now and have decided to try the Botox instead. The Botox is supposed to help my muscles loosen up so I won't constantly be at odds with my body, trying to stretch it beyond a certain point when it wants to go the opposite direction. The Botox itself is not without conflict as well. It is by nature a poison, after all. The notion of injecting such a substance into my body does seem strange, and this certainly will not be a Botox party. Not for vanity, but practicality. I have been told I will need anywhere from six to eight injections in my legs and that this will need to be repeated anywhere from two to four times a year. I suppose it's worth a try to see what the benefits could be.
Another thing I've been trying to wrap my head around is the idea of a wheelchair. Me + wheelchair = ? It may allow greater independence in certain environments; for example, if I had to travel several blocks daily to get from place to place in an urban environment. In trying to wrap my head around the idea, I just keep repeating the word in my mind: wheelchair...wheelchair...wheelchair.
In one way, I seeit a wheelchair as a tool for greater independence in certain situations though not a replacement for my crutches. And in another way, I see a wheelchair as acknowledging my CP in a way I have not don before. I see doing so as almost a defeat, as if I am letting the cerebral palsy win and overtake me somehow. I'm trying to shun these notions, the negative ones at least, but can't seem to shake them just yet. I don't want to make myself seem more disabled than I already am. But I know people will probably react that way.
There is a stigma with disability, but I perceive that it becomes greater the more severe it appears to the observer. So I'm battling it out in my head trying to determine what is important and where I belong and how best to ambulate.
I do not want to let my CP win or overtake me or become part of my identity more than it already is. Though I suppose the more I fight it, the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. What to do with this I wonder? How do I turn this around and move forward in a positive way?
My orthopedic surgeon referred me to him. His specialty translates into helping people with disabilities gain the greatest level of mobility.
The main reason I went to him was to discuss whether a wheelchair might be appropriate for part-time use. It is true that I am mobile on my crutches and get around quite well. I will admit, though, that winters are difficult, mostly on my joints and my body as a whole. The doctor explained to me that when I use crutches to walk, it is almost like bench-pressing all the time because I am supporting my entire body weight on two very thin metal sticks.
I was very anxious coming to the appointment, and feeling a little ridiculous too. I felt torn, and still do about whether or not a wheelchair would really improve my quality of life. When using crutches, I can separate them from myself. They are in a way more detachable than a wheelchair. It is easier for others to see me separately form my equipment when I use crutches. I have a sense that when I start using a wheelchair even part-time, it will be harder for people to see me for me, and not the equipment first.
There was one positive to this visit. I liked the doctor very much, something that cannot be said for my orthopedic surgeon who I have been seeing since I was two years old. First, his attending came in and started talking to my mother as if I was not there. She corrected him within seconds and then I was allowed to speak for myself. Aside from his initial faux pas, the attending wasn't that bad.
He actually asked me questions, for one, and wrote them down instead of using the Dictaphone and talking about me in third person without acknowledging me as my orthopedic surgeon does. His bedside manner is completely ridiculous and nonexistent. Good thing he's a lot better with a scalpel! I have the scars to prove it.
The physiatrist was much better in his bedside manner because he actually acknowledged me and my concerns head-on.
I've heard about Botox being used to help those who have CP before but never in relation to myself. I never thought to myself. Hmmm, I should try that.
The same is true for medications that would help relieve spasticity and muscle tension associated with cerebral palsy. I've never thought of taking medication, nor did I know that you could take medication to treat something like CP. This notion is foreign to me. Even now that it's available, I think to myself, Why would I start taking something now, I've lived without medication for 21 years why do I need it now? I'm trying to wrap my head around all of this. I really don't like medication and only take it when necessary. Aside from that, it makes you drowsy, which isn't really conducive to being a college student.
So I've opted out of medication for now and have decided to try the Botox instead. The Botox is supposed to help my muscles loosen up so I won't constantly be at odds with my body, trying to stretch it beyond a certain point when it wants to go the opposite direction. The Botox itself is not without conflict as well. It is by nature a poison, after all. The notion of injecting such a substance into my body does seem strange, and this certainly will not be a Botox party. Not for vanity, but practicality. I have been told I will need anywhere from six to eight injections in my legs and that this will need to be repeated anywhere from two to four times a year. I suppose it's worth a try to see what the benefits could be.
Another thing I've been trying to wrap my head around is the idea of a wheelchair. Me + wheelchair = ? It may allow greater independence in certain environments; for example, if I had to travel several blocks daily to get from place to place in an urban environment. In trying to wrap my head around the idea, I just keep repeating the word in my mind: wheelchair...wheelchair...wheelchair.
In one way, I see
There is a stigma with disability, but I perceive that it becomes greater the more severe it appears to the observer. So I'm battling it out in my head trying to determine what is important and where I belong and how best to ambulate.
I do not want to let my CP win or overtake me or become part of my identity more than it already is. Though I suppose the more I fight it, the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. What to do with this I wonder? How do I turn this around and move forward in a positive way?
Can't drive 55
But I don't want to go through twenty-two more bi-monthly lessons before I get my license. I'm ready to put this in overdrive and make greater, faster progress towards my goal. Hopefully I can move forward with weekly lessons to speed my progress. I understand "getting your license demonstrates a minimum level of competency," as stated by my driving instructor.
However, having my driving license will open up so many opportunities to me. I can get a job and live in an apartment. I can go places without having to rely on other people. My drivers license is the key to so many pieces of my independence.
Say hello to Big Bird
Yes, I named my car. Meet Big Bird, my gold Subaru Outback. My car has been modified so that I can drive using my hands only. "Look, Mom, no feet!"
Pulling, or "rocking" the controls in my left hand causes Big Bird to accelerate. Pushing the controls forward activates the brakes. I use my right hand to control the steering wheel with the help of a knob which is fastened to the wheel. This knob is detachable so that a regularly-abled person can drive the vehicle.
The modifications also include a footplate which covers the accelerator and brake foot pedals so that my feet do not accidentally bump them. I typically do not to use this feature because I tend to position my feet far back so they are no where near the foot pedals. Also, I see the footplate as slightly inconvenient because when it is in place, my feet feel cramped and my knees tend to hit the metal rods below the steering wheel which connect the hand controls into the gas and brake system.
Warning: This vehicle has been modified with an adaptive driving device to be used by trained and licensed operators onlyI love how Big Bird has a warning sticker when both the character and the vehicle couldn't be more rated G. The warning is very serious, however, as those unfamiliar with how to use the controls could easily get in an accident. The installers of the modifications have horror stories of their misuse. At a full service car wash, one of the attendants got behind the wheel of a modified car without knowing what they were doing. As a consequence, they plowed through a brick wall, pinning and ultimately paralyzing another co-worker!
Service dog files-vol. I
With the help of Capital District Center for Independence, I started pursuing the idea of a service dog two years ago and have been on and off with the application process ever since. Until now, that is. I have in my files six applications to fill out. The organizations I am applying to include Empire Servicedog Program Inc., Canine Partners for Life, Canine Companions for Independence, Canine Working Companions, Inc., and Paws with a Cause.
Each application follows the same basic pattern as far as requirements:
Looking at all these parts six times over is certainly overwhelming, especially when I have difficulty discussing my disability, let alone asking for help.
Part of the reason I have stopped and started it so many times is that I have difficulties describing and putting my exact form of cerebral palsy into words. Though pursuing a service dog will certainly enhance my life in many ways, I find it daunting because applying for a service dog is asking for help in a big way, and also acknowledging my CP to a degree that I have not done before.
It is for these reasons that I have shied away from it in the past, but there is only so much denial and procrastination that one can do. I can only benefit from doing this, but I have had doubts about it in the past, wondering if I would be perceived as a "good" recipient for a dog, having an odd fear that one had to be wheelchair bound in order to be a proper candidate.
A service dog is also a large financial commitment, with the fee being up to $20,000! So far I only have a quarter of that maximum amount saved in reserve for a dog. Otherwise, I'll have to take out loans or fund raise the remainder, though I've been told that fundraising for such endeavors has not been fruitful given the current economy.
It has occurred to me to post a wish on Wish Upon a Hero once I am placed with a dog to help pay for the remaining expense of the dog. However, I don't hold out much hope in this as I have participated in granting wishes on the site and seen people asking for the simple daily things I take for granted. So I am not sure I can be so bold as to ask for thousands of dollars from strangers.
Each application follows the same basic pattern as far as requirements:
- Service Dog Application (consisting of many parts)
- Application Fee: $50 dollars each
- Medical Information
- Professional Reference Form
- Veterinarian Form
- Letter of Reference
- Photo of Self
Looking at all these parts six times over is certainly overwhelming, especially when I have difficulty discussing my disability, let alone asking for help.
Part of the reason I have stopped and started it so many times is that I have difficulties describing and putting my exact form of cerebral palsy into words. Though pursuing a service dog will certainly enhance my life in many ways, I find it daunting because applying for a service dog is asking for help in a big way, and also acknowledging my CP to a degree that I have not done before.
It is for these reasons that I have shied away from it in the past, but there is only so much denial and procrastination that one can do. I can only benefit from doing this, but I have had doubts about it in the past, wondering if I would be perceived as a "good" recipient for a dog, having an odd fear that one had to be wheelchair bound in order to be a proper candidate.
A service dog is also a large financial commitment, with the fee being up to $20,000! So far I only have a quarter of that maximum amount saved in reserve for a dog. Otherwise, I'll have to take out loans or fund raise the remainder, though I've been told that fundraising for such endeavors has not been fruitful given the current economy.
It has occurred to me to post a wish on Wish Upon a Hero once I am placed with a dog to help pay for the remaining expense of the dog. However, I don't hold out much hope in this as I have participated in granting wishes on the site and seen people asking for the simple daily things I take for granted. So I am not sure I can be so bold as to ask for thousands of dollars from strangers.
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