Walking and rolling?

Today I went to see a new doctor, a physiatrist.

My orthopedic surgeon referred me to him.  His specialty translates into helping people with disabilities gain the greatest level of mobility. 

The main reason I went to him was to discuss whether a wheelchair might be appropriate for part-time use.  It is true that I am mobile on my crutches and get around quite well.  I will admit, though, that winters are difficult, mostly on my joints and my body as a whole.  The doctor explained to me that when I use crutches to walk, it is almost like bench-pressing all the time because I am supporting my entire body weight on two very thin metal sticks.

I was very anxious coming to the appointment, and feeling a little ridiculous too.  I felt torn, and still do about whether or not a wheelchair would really improve my quality of life.  When using crutches, I can separate them from myself.  They are in a way more detachable than a wheelchair.  It is easier for others to see me separately form my equipment when I use crutches.  I have a sense that when I start using a wheelchair even part-time, it will be harder for people to see me for me, and not the equipment first.

There was one positive to this visit.  I liked the doctor very much, something that cannot be said for my orthopedic surgeon who I have been seeing since I was two years old.  First, his attending came in and started talking to my mother as if I was not there.  She corrected him within seconds and then I was allowed to speak for myself.  Aside from his initial faux pas, the attending wasn't that bad. 

He actually asked me questions, for one, and wrote them down instead of using the Dictaphone and talking about me in third person without acknowledging me as my orthopedic surgeon does.  His bedside manner is completely ridiculous and nonexistent.  Good thing he's a lot better with a scalpel!  I have the scars to prove it. 

The physiatrist was much better in his bedside manner because he actually acknowledged me and my concerns head-on.

I've heard about Botox being used to help those who have CP before but never in relation to myself.  I never thought to myself. Hmmm, I should try that. 

The same is true for medications that would help relieve spasticity and muscle tension associated with cerebral palsy.  I've never thought of taking medication, nor did I know that you could take medication to treat something like CP.  This notion is foreign to me.  Even now that it's available, I think to myself, Why would I start taking something now, I've lived without medication for 21 years why do I need it now?   I'm trying to wrap my head around all of this.  I really don't like medication and only take it when necessary.  Aside from that, it makes you drowsy, which isn't really conducive to being a college student.

So I've opted out of medication for now and have decided to try the Botox instead.  The Botox is supposed to help my muscles loosen up so I won't constantly be at odds with my body, trying to stretch it beyond a certain point when it wants to go the opposite direction.  The Botox itself is not without conflict as well.  It is by nature a poison, after all.  The notion of injecting such a substance into my body does seem strange, and this certainly will not be a Botox party.  Not for vanity, but practicality.  I have been told I will need anywhere from six to eight injections in my legs and that this will need to be repeated anywhere from two to four times a year.  I suppose it's worth a try to see what the benefits could be.

 Another thing I've been trying to wrap my head around is the idea of a wheelchair. Me + wheelchair = ? It may allow greater independence in certain environments; for example, if I had to travel several blocks daily to get from place to place in an urban environment.  In trying to wrap my head around the idea, I just keep repeating the word in my mind: wheelchair...wheelchair...wheelchair. 

In one way, I see it a wheelchair as a tool for greater independence in certain situations though not a replacement for my crutches.  And in another way, I see a wheelchair as acknowledging my CP in a way I have not don before.  I see doing so as almost a defeat, as if I am letting the cerebral palsy win and overtake me somehow.  I'm trying to shun these notions, the negative ones at least, but can't seem to shake them just yet.  I don't want to make myself seem more disabled than I  already am.  But I know people will probably react that way. 

There is a stigma with disability, but I perceive that it becomes greater the more severe it appears to the observer.  So I'm battling it out in my head trying to determine what is important and where I belong and how best to ambulate.

I do not want to let my CP win or overtake me or become part of my identity more than it already is.  Though I suppose the more I fight it, the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  What to do with this I wonder? How do I turn this around and move forward in a positive way?