Trying to be a one-woman orchestra

I have a passion for music, but that doesn't mean I'm very good at it, unlike my passion for writing. I am an amateur when it comes to music, but I love music so that doesn't bother me. My musical endeavors started as the pursuit of fun and continue on that way. Even though I love to play my clarinet and try out other instruments such as viola, piano, and voice, there are certain things that get in the way of honing my skills.

The first time I played clarinet, my fingers ached with pain. Having CP means that my fine motor skills are lacking to a certain degree. I started playing clarinet when I was 20, though I had begged and pleaded with my parents to let me play clarinet at the age of 12. My parents and the music teacher agreed that it would be too difficult. I love the sound and the feel of the keys. Though, after playing it for a year and a half, I still have difficulty keeping my fingers where they need to be, covering the correct keys and holes to produce the right note. It's so frustrating! There is no real way I can see adapting to that particular problem.

Reading music is another matter entirely. I can hardly be called literate. When I look at a sheet of music the notes on the ledger lines run together. When I'm playing a piece of music, I cannot differentiate between a quarter note and a whole note when it's on the same line. So, I label my music with the note names, A through G.

Then I started associating certain notes with color. However, teaching myself to do so was limited in its effectiveness at first, as the association between notes and color is not always consistent or automatic for me. The correlation between notes and color is often associated with perfect pitch, a gift which I do not have, though at first I thought it could be possible.

Some people who have perfect pitch have something called sound color synesthesia. People who have this type of synesthesia associate certain sounds, whether it is music or everyday sounds, with color that is most typically seen in the mind's eye. I had once hoped that I too had sound color synethesia, but I am not gifted in that way. When listening to music, particularly a live performance, I have seen color in my mind's eye; however my experience is probably due to my creative imagination more than anything else.

Though I will continue playing the clarinet and hope to take piano and voice lessons, my several attempts at trying to learn how to play the viola have not been successful. I even modified how I played the instrument by playing it like the cello.  The dexterity required within such a small space on the neck of the instrument is far too tedious for me.

Even if I continued with the viola, I know that I would never attain the skill level that I hold now with the clarinet (a skill level which is still amateur). Today I will be returning my viola to Francis Morris Violins, Inc. feeling a bit defeated. As much as I love making music, I cannot learn every instrument that I find beautiful and inspiring.

I hope to God that I have better luck learning to play piano!